Sunday again

Woke up to an unwilling morning. I guess its true. Sleep with unhappiness and you wake up with unhappiness. I tossed around in my comfy bed thinking about the events of yesterday. Till now, rain haven't said a word. Guess she's angry. Still I can only go this far with my apology. Mr wong is right. At times, I really sound like a bastard. Guai Lan in layman's term. Guess thats how I have been shaped this days. Thats how I talk and react to whatever I don't deem fit. I remember how she told me that every conversation with keat only end up in quarrels. Damn it. I failed to see how I must have been pissing her off with my words.Seems like I am just insensitive when it comes to her. Wonder how she feels everytime I act like a bugger-stir thing up out of nowhere.Haiz....Does distance really play dirty tricks upon bonds that took so long to forge.Or am I just unable to adapt. Whatever it is, I believe I haven't been very nice to her since she left. What can I do. Words can only do this much of magic.

But she's the least of my worries. At times I wonder. All these doesn't mean anything. So what if you spend 10 20 years forging a strong bond, of common understanding and acceptance. When, at the end of the day it can still end up in a mess like the case of mdm chan lai chun. Its sick. And with much truth, I know I have friends whom I can easily confide in. But I choose not to do so. A matter of ego-male supremacy and imagery anti-weakness to portray? Or simply, that I see no point residing in anyone-because it doesn't help. And above all, these boils down to one thing-willowing in self-pity. Somthing I despise. Reality check please. Happily ever-after is just for fairy tales. Or at least it is the case for me. Look at all this hell thats burning up my HOME. One person is all it takes to mess things up. And I would admit. I share certain characteristics of this whom I despise. Classic example of stirring up trouble out of nothing-as demostrated last night. Who am I to condemn this person when I am much the same.

Its terrible how one bad thing leads to another. And there is this devil in me telling me to ignore the whole damn situation. Admist mutiple messed up situations, I have this strong urge to just treat all this with vulgar nonchalence. I don't mind if I can't get a scholarship and fulfill my dreams. I don't care if I can't make a name for myself in my lifetime. I just wanna get a job, buy a car, buy a house get married, have childrens. Wait-now I am beggining to think twice about a family. But still. I just want to lead a simple life. I just want to be bud off from this thorny stem on which I grew up. I just want to get out of this hell. But what about my sisters? And now you ask me why I never believe in GOD? Ha. Well I do see how people find peace and reside in their religion. Get real. I was born in hell, no woder the devil knocks on my door. Because I wasn't born in a cradle surrounded by angels and beautiful white clouds. Because what I first saw, was the arms of a woman around me. And there lying within the cracks of hell, is a new born a year younger than me. And now you start to think that it was heaven I was born in? No. My life isn't just about me. There are people whom I was born to love. And even if I was in heaven, I saw what was deep within the basement of love. And so i fell,with wings torn, into the abyss where I found my sister. Now I wish to get out of it-with her. Now you know the evil angel thesis-you still won't understand it.

And now you ask me why am I without love. Why, I never ever succeed in loving? Because when it comes down to this, I can never get things right. I would mess up like I always do. Because I was born knowing that even the most innate form of love can be breeched. Why love when love hurts?

~A miser. Am I?~

Try as I might, despite strength or courage, there are still times at which I am fallen. So much of wishing I could be there with you. This time round, I wish you be here for me. You are already distant enough. I don't wanna sink into conflicts with you. Sorry for failing to see us from your eyes.

Dead Angel

His skin grey,eyes bare
Wings spread out, torn and battered
upon the grounds of hell he knell
all the sufferings here he knew

A last arrow, plucked from his wings
memories of the angels that sing
Within the chalice-gift of life
blood he learn to cherish-love
Smeared in red, bows locked
from the tip it dripped

He rises
Wings flapped
Dark angel-his name

Rusty chains, cracked bells
to heaven he's chained
here he is in hell
Angels sing- cantabile

Arrows of rain,
heaven cries
streaks of fears
eve of tears
this life unforgiven
it will end with burn

Archer screams-destruction
Newborn's love
Melochony hope
Time has come, unleash it all

Safely away from the world
In a dream, timeless domain
A child, dreamy eyed,
Mother's mirror, father's pride
I wish I could come back to you
Once again feel the rain
Falling inside me
Cleaning all that I've become

End of love
End of hope
End of time
The rest is silence